Pearl (2022)

I was predisposed to dislike this film (I thought "X" was meh, and I don't care for Ti West's obsession with unlikeable characters). Pearl (the woman) was also highly unlikable, and I agreed with her mother in every terrible thing she said about Pearl, but in the end, Mia Goth won me over. Her monologue near the end was pretty amazing. It pains me to say all this, as I don't like to encourage beautiful, entitled models-turned-actresses (they already get too much encouragement), but I have to admit that she's pretty great in this. Tandi Wright (the mom) is also great, as is Emma Jenkins-Purro as Pearl's friend. 

Bergman Island (2021)

A movie about a filmmaking couple who travel to an island to work on their screenplays that's made by (you guessed it) a member of a filmmaking couple. She describes her screenplay to him, but instead of a lively discussion about the creative process, he just tells her he can't help her, much to our boredom. Her screenplay is dramatized for the viewer, and it's no more intriguing than the story that frames it (a young woman loves a young man, but he has a girlfriend – boo-hoo). There's an attempt to make things meaningful by interweaving the two stories, but this adds little. 

I enjoyed the scenery, and Tim Roth seemed relaxed and ready to be interesting, but he was never given the chance. The best scene was when a Swedish character ranted about Bergman. Mia Wasikowska is wasted. Avoid. 

"Can't I say something interesting?"

Black Widow (2021)

This movie raises the questions: Why install heavy metal security doors in your server room but leave a large air duct with an easily removable cover for the entry/exit of thieves? Why put a giant fan in the center of your evil world-control lair and neglect to put some sort of screen over it to prevent debris from sending it spiraling out of control and destroying everything?

This was a mildly entertaining film whose structure was: fight; lore; fight; lore; fight; car chase; entertaining & humorous middle section; lengthy fight; denouement. Florence Pugh as the sister and David Harbour as the father were entertaining, and Scarlett Johansson was almost as good, but Rachel Weisz was inexplicably dull. If you're on the fence, I say pass on it. If you're a fan of this type of thing, then it's a fairly good example.

"I remember when I wanted to be an actress."

X (2022)

Six thoroughly unlikable people rent a house on a farm to make an X-rated film. As soon as they arrive, the farmer tells them he very much dislikes them, but they stay anyway. Why? And why, whenever they go off to investigate matters on the farm, do they do it in their underwear (and sometimes shoeless!)? Of course there'll be a board with a nail sticking up out of it, and someone's going to step on it (and we get to see it in close up)! 

Still, there are a couple of creepy scenes that held my interest, and it is nice to see young people get their comeuppance from the elderly. So: three stars.

Gaia (2020)

A visually intriguing film, though it's not entirely clear what's going on. On a literal level, it makes little sense. Her boss warns her that the forest is super dangerous, then lets her go in alone? And he leaves his radio behind so she can't call him for help. A sane person would flee a creepy cabin with two weirdo tenants as soon as they were physically able, not lay around in their underwear. Still, the film held my interest, and it didn't overstay its welcome. 

"Has anyone seen my pants?"

Beanpole (2020)

Two Russian fashion models portray woman traumatized by World War II. Masha, the shorter of the two women, wore this curious smile through most of the film that seemed intriguing at first, but over time, it grew tiresome and seemed more like a tic. Alan Smithee began to suspect that fashion models might not make the most adept actors. Masha's emotional abuse of poor "Beanpole" was hard to watch. Great films, of course, can be about anything, but this just felt cruel, and Masha came across as a sociopath. Watch at your own risk (a perpetual warning).

The war was hard on us

Becky (2020)

There should be an award for the person who gave Becky that knitted cap with the ears (costume designer?), because what make this film so great is seeing cute little be-eared Becky kill some very bad men. Lulu Wilson & Kevin James are great, but Alan Smithee was hoping for a bit more cleverness from Becky (like making some Swiss Family Robinson-style death traps in the woods). Her murder shriek was pretty awesome, though, and made up for some of what was lacking. Overall, a fun picture. It wasn't clear why the family on the highway needed to be dispatched, though. We are for the killing of bad guys, but not sympathetic children. 

Becky outboard-motoring a bad man to death

Morgan (2016)

Morgan begins compellingly, but when things come to a head, people begin making choices no smart human ever would. Viewers will be screaming at their TVs when they see the things these presumably-brilliant scientists do. Still, some good acting from Anya Taylor Joy, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Paul Giamatti and others made it interesting for a while (approx. 58 minutes). Morgan wore a hoodie through the whole film for no reason that was ever explained. My theory: the actress was filming something else concurrently and it was too complicated to change her hair back & forth, so they hoodied her instead.

The aforementioned hoodie

Jurassic World (2015)

Jurassic World, sponsored by Beats Headphones, Hilton, Verizon Wireless, Starbucks, Ben & Jerry’s, Brookstone, IMAX, Margaritaville, Mercedes Benz, and Pandora Jewelry.

Who was it who asked Chris Pratt not to crack wise in this movie? Didn’t director Colin Trevorrow understand that Pratt’s antics were the only reason to see Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)?

JW starts strong, with the viewer seeing the park for the first time through the eyes of two visiting kids. Then there’s an overlong setup for what everyone knows will happen: a super scary dinosaur will escape and rampage through the park.

Missteps include: introducing us to two potentially interesting kids and then largely dropping them from the film; making the always-interesting Vincent D'Onofrio boring; repeatedly defying logic.

Overall, though, Alan Smithee was inexplicably entertained, though he took a few Word With Friends turns during some of the more predictable scenes. Rentable.

"Let's do one more take, but this time, don't be amusing."

Akounak Tedalat Taha Tazoughai (2015)

Alan Smithee was understandably curious to see the first Tuareg-language feature film ever made, a remake of Purple Rain starring guitarist Mdou Moctar. The story – already well-known to PurpleRainistas – is slight, but it takes on an intriguingly different character in its new setting. For example, the Tuareg are mild-mannered to the point that even arch enemies shake hands and greet each other on the street. Rivalry takes on a different tenor when the bastard who stole your song to play at the guitar competition greets you with peace be with you and asks how you are doing.

The music is wonderful, the acting – presumably entirely by amateurs – felt natural and believable. There's a lot to fascinate the eyes: the landscape, the clothes, the makeup. And it doesn't hurt that co-star Ghaicha Ibrahim is easy on the eyes. It's like a 75-minute vacation to a fascinating, more pleasant world.

Alan Smithee unfortunately saw this rewarding film with an audience of young urbanites. They seemed most entertained by the occasional unsophisticated technological aspect of the production, each of which they apparently found hilarious. One wonders if the young are able to enjoy anything unironically, and whether they even recognize that there is another way.

Stream of Love (Szerelempatak) 2013

A wonderful documentary with one of the best elderly-women-rolling-down-a-hill scenes in years. Director Agnes Sos shot the film over two and a half years, which may explain why her subjects seem not to notice the camera at all as they chat amongst themselves, or why they are unselfconscious as they speak to her about their sex lives.

Alan Smithee unfortunately saw this lovely film with an audience of young urbanites. Because they believe their world is the best and most sophisticated of all possible worlds, they are able to laugh when elderly people from rural Hungary describe their first sexual experiences. The tens of thousands of hours they've spent in communion with their phones hasn't helped them to imagine life from someone else's point of view.

One elderly man described how, in his youth, when a couple had sex, the man was on top, and the woman cradled his head, and the couple would "melt together." Apparently, if you are a young sophisticate, this rather touching reminiscence is hilarious. Because the way you think and feel about sex is far more refined than how others have felt about it in the past.

Only a young person could write "the villagers may be old and near death, but...their love lives are nowhere near over." It must be nice to be young and immortal.

Foxcatcher (2014) & The Drop (2014)

Both these films rely on the slow burn. The audience knows something explosive is going to happen, but what? and when? we wonder.

In the case of The Drop (2014), the payoff is unexpected and delightful, though perhaps not entirely believable. Still, it works, in no small part due to Tom Hardy who, because of an apparent shortage of American actors, had to step in and take the role.

Foxcatcher (2014) has the slow part of slow burn down. Steve Carell is appropriately creepy playing whoever he played, but the payoff falls flat. The problem can't be Mark Ruffalo, who is as cuddleable as ever. Maybe it's Channing Tatum, who Alan Smithee usually finds adequate, but who doesn't bring much to this role. But it feels more like a problem at the conceptual level.

If you're considering viewing Foxcatcher, Alan Smithee recommends you not. If you haven't been interested in The Drop, he recommends you get interested. 

Nightcrawler (2014)

Alan Smithee's grandfather, Mr. Smithee, was able to buy a house, raise a family, and purchase a new car every six years while working a blue-collar job in the press room of the Grand Rapids Press. Those days are over.

But Louis Bloom (Jake Gyllenhaal) gives us hope that the American Dream is still alive, at least for anyone with a camcorder who is willing to shove his way close to gruesome car accidents and murders. Bloom finds a need and fills it. He builds a successful small business. It is a success story for our era.

Alan Smithee has been indifferent to Gyllenhaal in the past, but with Prisoners (2013) and now Nightcrawler (2014), Gyllenhaal has shown that he can entertain. It is a pleasant surprise. Perhaps he can teach it to his sister.

Las niñas Quispe (2013)

Alan Smithee doesn't fully understand how films get distributed (or not distributed) or why many worthy films are shown at festivals and then never seen again, so he makes a point of seeing films that he suspects will never get shown again in his lifetime, such as Las niñas Quispe (2013), which required travel to an urban center. Was it worth it? The short answer is yes. Coincidentally, so is the long answer.

What makes one film about rural people going about their daily lives a total bore while another rivets the attention? One possibility: Director Sebastián Sepúlveda began in documentary film, and though this film never feels like a documentary, it has all the strengths of the genre.

Some specific elements that satisfy: Lucía, the middle sister, has whatever is the opposite of a winning personality, and she's a dark pleasure to watch. The landscape is beautifully filmed, and many shots soak it in, but they always stop just short of tedium. The pace is slow but steady, and the conclusion both surprises and feels right. It packs a wallop.

Alan Smithee was surprised to discover that Catalina Saavedra, who plays Lucía, is a Chilean actress with a long list of television and film credits – he thought she'd wandered into the film from a nearby hut.

Lucía on the right, with her winning smile

Robocop (2014)

Alan Smithee was a fan of the original Robocop (1987), or at least twenty-something Alan Smithee was. This was back when Alan Smithee could remember lines of dialogue from movies, and Robocop contained the memorable command "Bitches leave." One had to resist the urge to bark it at people when entering rooms.

This new iteration received some positive reviews, though why is unclear. Alan Smithee's alert mechanisms should have activated when Mick LaSalle gave it a rave. In general, one tries to do the opposite of what LaSalle recommends, as evidenced by his praise for this lifeless hunk of whatever.

Samuel L. Jackson starts the action with verve, but immediately things don't make sense. Is his right-wing pundit meant to be satirical? Why would footage of a drone killing a knife-wielding child encourage Americans to support drone use? It quickly becomes clear that one must turn off one's brain and try to simply enjoy watching shiny objects flying and exploding, always a difficult task for those over the age of 13.

Some positive comments:
1. Joel Kinnaman shows some of the charisma he brings to The Killing.
2. It's always nice to see Jackie Earle Haley in a film; it reminds one of Breaking Away, and of better days in film.


These 13 seconds are more entertaining than all of Robocop (2014)

The Discoverers (2012)

Alan Smithee was recently watching episodes of The Rockford Files (1974–1980) on DVD and finding that it is even better than he remembered. Among many great characters, Angel Martin (the Eddie Haskell of Rockford) especially entertains. Stuart Margolin won two Emmys for the role, and he is on Alan Smithee's list of People Who Should Get Much More Work.

Thankfully, he recently got more work in The Discoverers (2012). Alan Smithee was initially concerned when Margolin's character was struck mute, but fortunately, the creators of the film knew that Mr. Margolin is at his most entertaining when he's speaking. He gets a fair amount of lines to dig his teeth into, and the audience is grateful. The rest of the cast is uniformly good (David Rasche is especially funny), and the story never lags. It plays like a happier Alexander Payne film.

Nitpick: Becky Ann Baker and Scott Adsit are too entertaining to be limited to one great moment apiece.

The film is in limited release in New York City. Tell your friends. 

The Beaver (2011)

After Mel Gibson's drunken anti-semitic rant, Alan Smithee found it hard to look at his stupid face, and when Gibson returned to film in Edge of Darkness (2010), he skipped it. Fortunately, it looked lame.

The Beaver starts intriguingly, with Gibson's Walter Black turning to puppetry to cope with his unsatisfying life. Gibson doesn't immediately nauseate, perhaps because he sounds less dumb with an English accent, and perhaps because the role feels like a punishment. Watching a drunk Mel berate himself with a beaver puppet feels satisfying.

The film takes a wrong turn in the second act, devolving from a quirky independent film with potential psychological insight into something a lot like Magic (1978). The film tries to be about Walter Black's relationship with his oldest son, but it doesn't contain the scenes to accomplish that.

Could this film help Mel win back film lovers disgusted by his bigotry? Alan Smithee must admit that he is a little less sickened by Mel after watching this. Kudos, weirdo.

Skyfall (2012)

The reviews for Skyfall were almost unanimously positive, which can only mean one thing: with the continuing decriminalization of marijuana, more people are high than ever.

Skyfall is nothing special. Alan Smithee lost track of the number of times someone had a clear shot of the bad guy and didn't take it (let's discuss things first!). And he was bewildered by the lengthy and boring fight-atop-a-moving-train, the approximately ten-millionth in film history. He also wondered: why did the latest Bond girl have to die (spoiler alert), especially as 007 killed every bad guy in the scene seconds later. Any reason he couldn't do that before the hottie got shot in the head?

Javier Bardem manages to provide some moments of entertainment, but only about 20 minutes worth (out of 143). If, however, you just need a break from the events of your life, Skyfall gives the most minutes per dollar of any current release.

Why did I have to die?

Looper (2012)

Alan Smithee reveals what makes Looper a great science fiction film.

1. The premise, which initially seemed only moderately promising, but which yields much more than Alan Smithee predicted.

2. The acting. Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis each do that thing each of them does, but it's Emily Blunt who is the heart of the film and who you remember after the film is over, and not just because she's purty.

3. The ending, which took Alan Smithee by surprise, but which he immediately understood was where the film was always heading.

Comparisons have been made to many films, including The Terminator (apt), The Matrix (inapt), and The Sixth Sense (somewhat apt: the ending does reverberate back through the film, but not in a Shyamalan kind of way). Go see.

Broken English (2007)

Here's one I rented solely because Parker Posey appeared in it, which has always been sufficient reason to watch a film in the past. I would otherwise never have discovered the astonishing Josie and the Pussycats (2001).

Besides Posey's adorable-enough character Nora, there is unlikeable movie star/one night stand Nick (Justin Theroux), unpleasant best friend Audrey (Drea de Matteo), and unwatchable French love interest Julien (Who Cares). The viewer is supposed to root for Nora to throw caution to the wind and fly to Paris to find Julien, whereas I could never get past his hat.

It seems the only cure for American neuroticism is the happy-go-lucky romanticism of the French. Fortunately, flights to and from Paris can be booked, canceled, and rebooked, as whim dictates, for apparently modest cost, at least if this film is to be believed.

For fans of Parker Posey only, and even then, bring a book.

Persepolis (2007)

Alan Smithee is aware that what The Man tells us about the country of Iran does not square with what he knows of Iran from the films of Abbas Kiarostami, Mohsen Makhmalbaf, Jafar Panahi, and others. A viewing of Kiarostami's Ten (2002) should be enough to throw doubt on The Man's current characterization of Iran. Americans in particular should be wary when anyone equates the character of a nation with the policies of its government.

Persepolis began as a "graphic novel," and it went a long way toward showing the gap between the values of Iranian people and their fundamentalist government. But where the cartoon was funny, touching, and educational, the film is preachy and confusing. And Marjane, the heroine of the book, comes across here as insufferable; she seems unable or unwilling to get along with anyone, and is disdainful of everyone except her immediate family.

The animation looks great, but that doesn't make Marjane any more likable.

Alan Smithee recommends you go see WALL·E (2008); if you've already seen it, then today would be a good day to stay sober and read Persepolis on the couch. It's worth it.

The Brown Bunny (2003)

Alan Smithee used to have a DVD player that allowed him to view films in fast forward with sound. It was perfect for the obligatory music video segment that is part of almost every movie made since 1990. It also converted The Brown Bunny from 93 minutes of tedium into a mildly entertaining 46.5 minute film.

Vincent Gallo directed the wonderful Buffalo '66 (1998); if you haven't seen it, Alan Smithee recommends you rent it now, then return here and read the rest of this review. Mr. Gallo made it clear in interviews that he thought an awful lot of himself, and when The Brown Bunny was poorly reviewed, he quit filmmaking to adore himself privately.

At standard speed, Alan Smithee must agree that The Brown Bunny is not a very good film. In double time, however, it ain't half bad. Interminable scenes of Bud (Gallo) riding his motorcycle become merely a little long, and perhaps even create the meditative rhythm that Mr Gallo was trying for. The ending is still unnecessarily graphic (and ludicrous), but it lasts half as long.

Alan Smithee wishes he could remember the model number of that DVD player for those who wish to recreate the experience described above. It might have been a Toshiba.

Final Destination 3 (2006)

Final Destination (2000) was groundbreaking if only in that it introduced in its plot a new reason for killing teenagers: They were supposed to die in a plane crash, but they didn't. Now Death is angry/confused/resorting to mathematical formulae. FD3 is a shameless reworking of earlier moods, but it's still better than Cold Mountain.

Yes, it asks us to believe that the human body is composed largely of red goo with a soft outer shell that bursts on impact, but what wonderful things result from such a belief! Our intrepid heroes, who are trying desperately to warn The Others, keep witnessing their deaths, and, in the process, get repeatedly splattered with the gooey insides of their multicultural friends. (It's true - we are all the same on the inside!) It's vaguely pornographic, and it satisfies.

Inasmuch as this reviewer thinks about his death, he can't help thinking that a quick, splattery head-smooshing wouldn't be a bad way to go. This film gives him hope.

2 Days in Paris (2007)

After Before Sunrise (1995) and Before Sunset (2004), Alan Smithee got the impression that Julie Delpy was interesting. With 2 Days in Paris, which she also wrote and directed, she demonstrates otherwise.

The film opens with an annoying couple (Marion and Jack) trying to hail a taxi. Almost immediately, one doesn't care. Then, just as one is preparing to press eject, the pair arrives at Marion's parents', and the film suddenly entertains. A sister arrives shortly after, and the ensuing scenes at Marion's house are the best in the film.

Unfortunately, Delpy miscalculates. The film follows the couple around Paris, to the dismay of all. We are supposed to be learning something about love, but in case we aren't, Delpy provides a voice-over, where we are told, among other things, that breaking up "hurts so much." You get the idea.

The entertaining parents are played by Delpy's actual parents, both actors, and one presumes they were not consulted during the editing process.

Taken (2008)

Liam Neeson's implausibly virginal daughter is kidnapped by men with accents, and he must use his CIA training to get her back/kill them. Alan Smithee expected to simply enjoy this revenge fantasy and not worry overly much about how stupid it was or wasn't. But Neeson's single-mindedness is the film's undoing.

Alan Smithee got that Neeson's daughter, who is scheduled to be sold into prostitution, is super precious to him, but all those other kidnapped hotties have dads too! Neeson pops his head into each of their curtained sex cubicles ("Nope, not my daughter") but doesn't lift a finger to help them. Would a quick phone call to the authorities kill him? But the worst action film faux pas: he drives 100 miles an hour the wrong way down the road, risking the lives of hundreds of motorists! You have to be saving the world to justify that kind of safety violation. No one daughter is worth all that, no matter how adorable she is.

Alan Smithee isn't spoiling the film when he tells you that the daughter is returned to her loving family (and birthday pony!) in the end. It's supposed to be heartwarming, but Alan Smithee was wondering Isn't anyone going to do anything about that huge prostitution ring?!

To be avoided.

Bad Day at Black Rock (1955)

A bunch of small town hotheads get themselves worked up after the bombing of Pearl Harbor and kill the local Japanese-American farmer. Four years later, a one-armed army vet named Macreedy (Spencer Tracy) shows up in town, and the hotheads worry he might discover their secret. They try to run him off, but he don't scare so easy, see. Tough guy Coley (Ernest Borgnine) turns to violence, but one-arm gives him an ass-kicking unlike any other on film. It satisfies.

This is a must-see film. Alan Smithee is embarrassed that he hasn't appreciated Mr. Tracy's work enough, when really he should be more embarrassed about the fact that he hasn't had a steady job in over two years.

Should be watched with beer on hand, as usual.

Penelope (2006)

Penelope is another well-made, well-acted film that only needed a much better script. The idea was a good one - Penelope has a pig nose and no one will love/marry her and lift her curse. She sets off to see the world and finds that she only ever needed to love herself. Sounds good, right?

Two problems: one, when Penelope finally learns to love herself, her reward is: she gets a normal nose. Huh? This mixed message brought to you by writer Leslie Caveny ("Everybody Loves Raymond"); two, Christina Ricci looks absolutely adorable with a pig nose. Alan Smithee almost freeze-framed his DVD and kissed his TV screen. Who wouldn't want to marry that?

Some pluses: Reese Witherspoon and Peter Dinklage are both excellent, and the art direction is fantastic. Still, you might want to get out some knitting or start a filing project while watching this one. Best of luck.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2005)

This movie doesn't so much suck as blow. Perhaps I should have seen it in the theater; on a standard 4:3 television, the image is the size of a business envelope. I suspect that on the big screen, the look of the film partially makes up for the boring, Harry-centric story, the lackluster performances, and the dragon-bashing.

Kids will love it, of course, but then kids love when you fall down or someone farts. Avoid at all costs.

Friends with Benefits (2011)

What do you want? It was 100 degrees today. Alan Smithee needed somewhere to escape the heat, and this showing of FWB was conveniently timed.

This film should have been called Friends with Benefits and Emo Music given the amount of whispery songs about feelings it contains. Mila Kunis, who stood out in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, does an adequate job, and Justin Timberlake matches her competence level. Only in the opening scene, when Kunis is intercut with Smithee favorite Emma Stone (and pales in comparison), do we notice something lacking. The numerous sex scenes are, like all sex scenes, boring, even more so because they take place between creepily buff young people and/or their butt doubles.

Like a lot of mainstream films these days, the supporting players (Patricia Clarkson, Richard Jenkins, Woody Harrelson, Shaun White) make the whole thing watchable. Harrelson in particular, as a butch gay man, entertains.

"Alan," you ask, "should I pay good money to see this in the theater or just wait 'til they show it for free on cable?" Given that this type of film attracts an audience of texters, talkers, and other sociopaths, Alan Smithee would advise you to wait.

Serendipity (2001)

This film is part of Alan Smithee's voluminous Christmas movie collection; any film in which one or more scenes take place during the Christmas season can gain admission into the collection, provided the film also fills one with Christmas spirit, and provided one can follow the story after a large glass of wine.

Serendipity stars the always likeable John Cusack, as well as Kate Beckinsale, just six years after her magnificence in Cold Comfort Farm (1995). After a ludicrous set-up, the film settles into a long and satisfying middle section, which entertains in large part because of supporting players Jeremy Piven, Molly Shannon, and the delicious but large-headed John Corbett. Shannon and Piven, as the best friends of the two main characters, nearly steal the film, which turns conventional in the final act. I usually plan my alcohol inhalation so that I am unconscious by the final scenes, which play out much as one would suspect.

Those who live in New York City can visit Serendipity the restaurant, from which the film takes its name, and witness the line of tourists waiting outside in the cold for a table. Why? Because it was in a movie. It truly is the darkest age of Man.

Knowing (2009)

Alan Smithee has a high tolerance for hokum in science fiction films. Knowing starts compellingly, with a creepy/cute elementary school student fifty years in the past who scribbles strings of numbers on a sheet of paper. Enter modern day physics professor John Koestler (Nicolas Cage), who sees the paper and deciphers the pattern. Turns out Koestler has some world-saving to do, and Cage's patented hysteria is perfect for the role.

Koestler spends the middle section of the film trying to prevent various disasters, to mildly entertaining effect. But then things go horribly wrong. Alan Smithee was willing to ignore the fact that the bad guys (or are they good guys?) look like members of a German techno band. He was willing to ignore the superfluous biblical references that attempt to infuse the film with metaphysical import. But he could not ignore the ludicrous and profoundly unsatisfactory resolution, topped by a final shot that perhaps the filmmakers thought would warm viewer's hearts but which Alan Smithee found puzzling and terrifying.

Alan Smithee recommends you catch this one on cable and, after the scene in the subway, change the channel to anything else.

Nicolas Cage's Professor John Koestler meets the techno band

A few short reviews

Bridesmaids (2011)
The greatest film of 2011 so far. Can someone get Alan Smithee Kristen Wiig's phone number (also a job and some attractive personality traits)?

Boots Malone (1952)
When Alan Smithee was young, he used to hang out in the stables at the racetrack. Surprised? He is qualified to say that this film about a washed-up agent training a young jockey for a big race is full of realistic details of life at the track. William Holden is a bit too screamy at times, and the ending contains exactly zero surprises, but overall, the film entertains.

Triple Agent (2004)
Alan Smithee has always enjoyed the chatty films of Eric Rohmer, but as the chatter in this film is about 1930's European politics, a subject about which Alan Smithee was poorly schooled, this one was a tough slog.

An Alan Smithee Film Festival, May 4 - May 10, 2011

Three Kings (1999)
Alan Smithee attended a screening of Three Kings when it was released, and he remembers enjoying it, so he thought it worth a re-viewing. There's no doubt it entertains. It goes slack in the second half, and loses its sense of humor, but overall, it satisfies. This was the first film in which George Clooney successfully controlled his distracting head-wagging, and shedding that one tic paved the way for his transformation to Hollywood mega-superstar. Recommended.

The Crazies (2010)

This slightly above-average film is made substantially more watchable by the presence of Timothy Olyphant, who is on Alan Smithee's list of men he would consider switching teams for. Alan Smithee is currently prepared to cuddle with Mr. Olyphant should he request it. Anything more, and Alan Smithee would have to think about it.

Up (2009)
Pixar has made two masterpieces, Monsters, Inc. (2001) and WALL-E(2008); there is a good argument for calling Up their third. Alan Smithee saw Up in 3D when it was released, so he was curious whether it would entertain in RegularD. For those wondering: it does. Pixar has only made two turkeys, Cars (2006) and Ratatouille (2007). Yet their next scheduled release is Cars 2. Explain.

The Search (1948)
An honestish and frank look at post-World War II orphaned children. This was Montgomery Clift's first film, and it's clear he meant to bring a "naturalness" to his performance. He seems to be in a different movie than everyone else, for better or worse. The New York Times wrote that Clift brought "precisely the right combination of intensity and casualness into the role." Alan Smithee found the casualness at odds with the tone of the film. Recommended for its sensitivity to the subject matter, and for its setting; the film was shot in the ruins of post-war Germany.

The Cat's Meow (2001)
This moderately well-reviewed Peter Bogdanovich film doesn't add up to a lot. It picks up in the second half, if you make it that far, when Edward Herrmann, who Alan Smithee remembers fondly from TV's Gilmore Girls, finds an opportunity to entertain. To be watched if you are home sick and don't have the energy to change the channel.

Back from Eternity (1956)
A standard adventure film made above-average by excellent acting from Robert Ryan and Rod Steiger (the New York Times called their performances "outstandingly conventional"). William C. Mellor, who was cinematographer on Giant, Bad Day at Black Rock, and many others, contributes much to the film's atmosphere.

Tarzan's New York Adventure (1942)
Surprisingly, TNYA was well-reviewed by several sources. The film has about 1,000 percent more chimpanzee shenanigans than any person over the age of six would care to view, and a little bit of Johnny Weissmuller goes a long way, however, the scenes featuring a scantily-clad Maureen O'Sullivan as Jane make it all worthwhile.
You see what I mean

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter (1968)
Life is miserable for everybody, and then they die. Here's a film about that.

My Gun Is Quick (1957)
Old B-movies were often filmed on location rather than in the studio to save money, and that can give them a kind of realism not found in A-movies. My Gun Is Quick, however, was filmed at Allied Artists Studio, a so-called "poverty-row studio." The sets look cheap, and they're almost barren. Add to that a dull script (though with one or two zingers) and you have a decidedly boring affair. The acting, surprisingly, is not terrible. Better than Johnny Weissmuller.

Lured (1947)
How can you go wrong with a cast that includes George Sanders, Joseph Calleia, Boris Karloff, Charles Coburn and Lucille Ball in a film directed by Douglas Sirk? This is a fun little film, shot with flair, that becomes less interesting near the end as it focuses on the solution to the murder-mystery. Recommended.

The Illusionist (2010)
During Alan Smithee's formative years, he and his father made regular pilgrimages to two great Sacramento movie houses, The Showcase and The Old J (both now defunct). At some point, he saw the entire Jacques Tati oeuvre, so his hopes were high for this new animated film from the director of the creepy The Triplets of Belleville (2003). Fortunately, Chomet's penchant for grotesque characters is kept in check, and he is unable to ruin the bittersweet story by Tati.

Millennium (1989)
The weak link in this sci-fi movie, as you might guess, is Cheryl Ladd. I hate to say it, as she was my favorite Angel. Her acting is oddly better when she plays her character in the future, but Alan Smithee is splitting hairs - she still stinks pretty bad. Still, it holds the attention, and it's better than My Gun Is Quick.

This concludes the Alan Smithee Film Festival. Now, isn't it time for your own film festival?

An Alan Smithee film festival

From Wednesday, May 4, to Tuesday, May 10, there will be a marathon film viewing session Chez Smithee. Watch this space for reviews of all the films.

Bad Movies

There are certain movies that They always cite as examples of "bad movies," and Ishtar (1987) gets mentioned more than any other. Yet I remember liking Ishtar when I first saw it. I re-watched it a few years ago, in case I was high the first time, and despite a bit too much tomfoolery, and the inclusion of a Superfluous Love Interest, it still entertains. The leads (Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty) play off each other well, and the "bad" songs (by Paul Williams) are the best part of the film. Writer/Director Elaine May said it best: "If all of the people who hate Ishtar had seen it, I would be a rich woman today."


Anything Else (2003) was panned by many critics who were put off by Jason Biggs' and Christina Ricci's impersonations of Woody Allen and Diane Keaton, respectively. But, once, when Alan Smithee found himself stuck waiting for someone in a strange apartment in New York City, he read the only book he could find, "Tuesdays With Morrie." Anything Else is the only antidote to that book he has ever found. Jerry (Biggs) receives advice from father-figure David (Woody Allen), except the advice is always terrible. Hilarity ensures.


As long as we are discussing good bad movies, Alan Smithee would like to mention a bad good movie. Saving Private Ryan (1998), which was very well reviewed, was as emotionally manipulative a film as has ever been made. You can see the calculation in every scene, and as a result, the film is awfully predictable (or maybe that was because we'd seen some of the scenes before, in Full Metal Jacket and other films). Many veterans of D-Day remarked how realistic Saving Private Ryan was, which only proves that realistic films are not necessarily good ones. Spielberg has always been a master technician, and he has occasionally used his talent to stunning effect (as in Minority Report (2005)). But this film is an insult to the viewer's intelligence.

Ten (2002)

Alan Smithee is aware that what The Man tells us about the country of Iran does not square with what he knows of Iran from the films of Abbas Kiarostami, Mohsen Makhmalbaf, Jafar Panahi, and others. A viewing of Kiarostami's Ten (2002) should be enough to throw doubt on The Man's current characterization of Iran. Americans in particular should be wary when anyone equates the character of a nation with the policies of its government.

The film captures ten conversations between a female driver in Tehran and the passengers in her car. No one is chasing her and nothing explodes. There is no nudity. The soundtrack contains no Indie pop. A voiceover is not present to explain things. You will have to do some paying attention and maybe some thinking with this one.

Yes, the entire film takes place in a single day inside one woman's car, but why should that stop you from watching it? New and different things can be scary, but Alan Smithee knows you can do it!

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

Alan Smithee is predisposed neither toward nor against this type of film. He enjoyed the first Harold & Kumar film, but passed on the second. AVH&K3C did not make him laugh much, nor did it give him a Christmassy feeling, two failures he cannot forgive it for.

In the first moments of this film, Kumar jumps into Santa's lap and says to the parents in line "your son will get his chance to rub his ass on Santa's cock in a minute." The joke is only funny in an OMG-he-said-Santa's-cock way, which is to say, not very funny. It's a problem that plagues much of the film. To paraphrase Dr. Waxling in Search and Destroy, "Just because it's outrageous, doesn't mean it's funny." One of the most entertaining moments in the film is when Kumar blows 3D pot smoke into the audience's face. That should tell you something.

Here are some things Alan Smithee liked: Danny Trejo's Christmas fetish; Thomas Lennon's portrait of the nervous father; Neil Patrick Harris as the straight-actor-pretending-to-be-gay. Here's what Alan Smithee didn't like: Paying $16.

Skip AVH&K3C, stay home, and watch Bad Santa again.

Correction: Alan Smithee also liked Jake M. Johnson as Jesus

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone called Iron Man 2 "A total blast." A.O. Scott of The New York Times said IM2 is "More of the same, with emphasis on more." Roger Ebert called it "a polished, high-octane sequel." All lies.

The truth: Alan Smithee favorite Robert Downey coasts through most of the film, though the writing doesn't give him much to work with. Scarlett Johansson tries once again to get by on her alleged sultriness and fails (and bores everyone). The story comes alive only sparingly, in between all the flying/shooting/yelling, as when Tony Stark discovers and synthesizes a new element.

Some other bright spots: Sam Rockwell and Mickey Rourke emerge from the muddle to entertain. Gwyneth Paltrow (who needs to hire a nanny so she can get back to work entertaining the world) is given more to do this time, and we appreciate it.

But Alan, you ask, this bitch is long - is it worth my time? First of all, call me Mr. Smithee. Second of all: no. Alan Smithee was able to make it through IM2 because he was transfixed by the aforementioned exceptional performances, but the film as a whole kinda sucks.

Hot Tub Time Machine (2010)

Sometimes, Alan Smithee is lured to the local multiplex by the not terrible reviews of the latest major studio release. If he is lucky, there are enough amusing moments in one of these committee-made, personality-driven films to make it worth the matinee price.

As you may know, multiple writers often work on the scripts for these films—many anonymously—so that every element deemed essential to box office success is present. The result is that every audience member enjoys something in the film (but the film as a whole is a failure).

Hot Tub Time Machine is yet another product of this process. It has something for everyone, except those who enjoy excellence. John Cusack is present to lend the film a patina of intelligence (and he is conspicuously absent from the stupidest scenes). All the usual archetypes are there—the amusing black friend, the nerdy teenager—and the writers exploit them for the usual jokes. Did you know that young people spend lots of time using new technologies? Isn’t that hilarious?

Alan Smithee admits that he enjoyed this film, primarily because it distracted him from whatever meaningless crap he was wasting his time thinking about.

Sometimes, hours after Alan Smithee has seen one of these movies, when he's completely forgotten the experience ever happened, he’ll overhear young revelers walking home from the multiplex talking about a movie they’ve seen in their loud and belligerent voices. Through all the cursing, he’ll realize that they’re retelling scenes from the very movie he saw, and inevitably, it’s the stupidest ones.

Crazy Heart (2009)

Critics are unanimously praising Jeff Bridges' performance in CH, but really, when has he ever not given a great performance? He's one of the only reasons to see this film, besides the excellent scenes with Robert Duvall. Maggie Gyllenhaal, not a Smithee favorite, brings her cool-girl aura that always manages to repel. The story is trite; nothing happens that we haven't seen in countless other films. But the small town details have a naturalistic feel, due in part to excellent work by all the bit players, and Bridges makes it worth seeing, as always.

Alan Smithee Selects the Best Films of the Year - Whatever Year It Was - and Then Lists Them One After Another

Up in the Air
Ever since George Clooney learned how to hold his head still while acting (approximately 2000 A.D.), he's become much more effective, and UITA is a perfect vehicle for whatever it is he does. It has a tendency to hold the audience's hand a bit too much, but Alan Smithee forgave it that because it was so entertaining.

Fantastic Mr. Fox
After the self-indulgent and unfunny The Darjeeling Limited (2007), Wes Anderson bounced back with this original and entertaining film that no one saw. FMF is wry and touching - possibly due to the collaboration with Noah Baumbach (The Squid and the Whale (2005)) - and visually delightful.

Up

Up joins Monsters, Inc. (2001) and WALL·E (2008) as one of Pixar's masterpieces. The talking dog collars alone are worth the price of admission.

The White Ribbon

Didn't see it. Was it good?

District 9

Alan Smithee chose to ignore the inconsistent portrait of the aliens in District 9 and enjoy the visceral sensation the film creates, which stays in your memory for a long time.

Whip It

No one ever remembers comedies like this at award and end-of-the-year listmaking time. But Whip It, which reminded Alan Smithee of Breaking Away (1979) (it even features BA's Daniel Stern - very effective as the father) was one of the best of the year.

Duplicity

An above average espionage film made more intriguing by its clever structure.

Most overrated films of the year - whatever year it was

(500) Days of Summer was structurally interesting, but otherwise creepy. It almost ruined Zooey Deschanel for Alan Smithee, but her recent cameo on TV's "Bones" won him back.

Away We Go - Alan Smithee has long had a thing for Maya Rudolph, but AWG (co-written by Dave Eggers) felt shallow and elitist - proof that novelists don't necessarily make good screenwriters.

Avatar just looks like it would be terrible.

District 9 (2009)

Geoff Berkshire of Metromix called District 9 "a late summer sleeper that puts most of Hollywood to shame." Alan Smithee would like to agree, but as soon as this film began, a man in a nearby seat began discussing it loudly with his wife (or possibly daughter) in a sociopathic fashion, causing Alan Smithee to lose focus.

After moving back several rows in the theater (the only effective way to avoid loud talkers), Alan Smithee became engrossed in an early scene involving the eviction of aliens from their blighted township. The scene so engrossed the young couple behind Alan Smithee that they felt compelled to discuss it. They used whispers, but still.

After another move, Alan Smithee tried to reengage with the film, but a young man in the row ahead began texting someone on a device with a rather large and bright screen. This is of course against theater policy (as well as rude), but young people never worry about how their behavior affects others (or themselves). By shifting one seat over, Alan Smithee managed to remove the texting device from his sight line.

The film seemed compelling, but Alan Smithee can't be sure until he's seen it in its entirety without some motherfucker opening his fat mouth. Will keep readers updated.

Two Independent films

Lars and the Real Girl (2007) received some good reviews, but Alan Smithee was afraid it would be too precious, so he avoided it. But Lars looked good enough for Alan Smithee to put in his Netflix queue, especially when he couldn't think of anything else.

When Lars works, it works because of Ryan Gosling's unwinking performance. It is at its best when the townspeople take Lars' Real Girl seriously as his girlfriend. But scenes such as one in which the Real Girl reads a story to a class of children border on the quirky and threaten to derail the central conceit. Ultimately, the film holds it together and, most importantly, entertains. Plus the doll was hot.


(500) Days of Summer (2009) received uniformly good reviews, which only demonstrates the biases of film critics. Structurally, the film is interesting. Alan Smithee admits to being predisposed to enjoying anything with Zooey Deschanel, but this film managed to make her creepy. Her Summer Finn would make Alan Smithee run very far away in search of anyone else. I blame the script, because I'm not capable of blaming Zooey, and because it was the script.

The film's message, that there's one Special Someone out there for each of us, may be true, but do we really want our films to have messages?

Up (2009)

At the urging of an acquaintance, Alan Smithee attended a showing of Up in Disney Digital 3D. The acquaintance praised the impressiveness of the 3D effect, which is created digitally, unlike with 3D films of old, such as The Tingler (1959).

Alan Smithee was wildly entertained, but he is unsure what percentage of the effect was due to imaginative storytelling and what percentage to the 3D effect. It certainly made action sequences come alive. If only one could apply a digital 3D effect to certain life experiences, perhaps they might not be so soul-deadeningly dull.

The experience was worth $15, especially when you remember that one day you will be dead, and $15 can't change that.

Pecker (1998)

As Alan Smithee gets older, he realizes that there are only a handful of contemporary American directors who have a distinctive voice that one can identify in their films and that can be satisfying in way that is independent of the other qualities of a film. Some examples are Woody Allen and Robert Altman, as well as younger directors like Wes Anderson and Todd Solondz.

John Waters is a distinctive comedic voice, and with Pecker, he reined in some of his more camp tendencies and made what Alan Smithee feels is his most satisfying film. Here's a classic Watersian comic moment: Pecker is an amateur photographer who makes it big in the New York art world. When his girlfriend Shelley catches him kissing the gallery owner, she screams "I hate modern photography!" Alan Smithee has observed that even those weaned on modern Hollywood comedies are capable of understanding and enjoying Pecker. And for those with some discernment, it satisfies.

Alan Smithee finds that re-viewing the work of the aforementioned directors brings him comfort as he ages. The world around him grows increasingly more generic, but their voices remain undiluted. They are American treasures.

City of Ember (2008)

Movies made from books face the challenge of being true to the original story while still succeeding as movies. Usually, they are most successful when they jettison those parts of the story that do not serve the film. The astonishing Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) distilled events from the first three books in the Snicket series into a wildly entertaining film that inexplicably did not win the hearts of the millions of youngsters who read the books.

City of Ember begins compellingly; within minutes, you are absorbed in the story and its characters (all well-played, with Bill Murray relaxed and playful). An early scene in which the young citizens of Ember are assigned their jobs perfectly captures the look and feel of the imaginary world. And the film manages to sustain nearly this same level of interest for another hour, give or take.

The final third of the film, however, devolves into a play-by-play of the children's escape. And when they are finally free, a moment that should inspire awe passes so quickly that the credits are rolling before the viewer has taken it in. At only 90 minutes, the film could easily have taken five or ten more minutes to satisfactorily conclude. A missed opportunity, but still worth seeing.

Last Chance Harvey (2008)

Over the last few years, Dustin Hoffman has been quietly giving some of the best performances of his career. As the mob boss in Confidence (2003), he was sinister in new and delightful ways. He was a big part of what made viewers give in to the delicious nonsense of I ♥ Huckabees (2004). And in the titular role in Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium (2007) he was playful and eminently entertaining. So Alan Smithee came into Last Chance Harvey with high hopes. The film has problems, but it is still much better than one might suspect.

The first half hour deftly depicts just how disappointing and humiliating life is for most people, most of the time. In the central love story, Hoffman and Emma Thompson play off each other well, and though Alan Smithee isn't sure he ever quite believed them as a couple, he cannot deny he was entertained. Refreshingly, the film takes place in a world much closer to the real one than to the world of Romantic Comedy. One example: both main characters have normal jobs just like real people; there are no architects, fashion designers, writers, or art gallery owners in the entire film!

The film is in "limited release," which in this case means it is playing in just 16 theaters, because movies are a business, and no one wants to see a movie about old people. Luckily, Alan Smithee lives in a large metropolis in which four of those theaters are located. Readers are encouraged to add it their Netflix queue (Availability Unknown).

Happy-Go-Lucky (2008)

Alan Smithee rarely sees a film that makes him think. This is partly because most films aren't trying to say anything (or they're trying, but failing), and partly because Alan Smithee only has a short window of time each day during which he can do heavy thinking, to wit, the period beginning after his morning coffee kicks in up until the time when he needs to go down for his nap.

Even with limited time to think, Alan Smithee understood that Happy-Go-Lucky is not "an exuberant comedy," and the main character, Poppy, does not have "an innate effervescence that plays off beautifully against adversity." (Entertainment Weekly)

Something else is going on. The viewer gets to know Poppy by watching how she handles different situations. Though she is "happy-go-lucky," she still has to be an adult in the world, and the viewer can almost see her making decisions at crucial moments. The film fascinates because, to borrow from Flannery O'Connor, everything is rendered, nothing is told.

The critics have praised Sally Hawkins' performance, but take note of the uniformly excellent work by all the supporting players. Alan Smithee fell in love a little bit with Poppy's relatively jaded roommate Zoe, but he is almost fully recovered now.

Tropic Thunder (2008)

Just when Alan Smithee thought Tom Cruise was irrelevant - his last palatable performance was John Anderton in Minority Report (2002) - he dons a fat suit and generates some of the most memorable comic moments in Tropic Thunder. Alan Smithee laughed hard when Cruise's Les Grossman finished a video conference and screeched at his assistant "Diet Coke!" The seductive dance he does for Matthew McConaughey's Rick Peck was so entertaining that he reprised it for the credit roll. For sheer gonads, the performance ranks with his inspired turn as motivational speaker Frank Mackey in the otherwise ludicrous Magnolia (1999).

It's easy to forget when watching Ben Stiller, Jack Black (and others) how good they are at what they do. The public tends to get bored with actors if they don't up the ante after a while. So the film, while very funny in parts, doesn't feel funny enough. A scene in which Robert Downey Jr. analyzes Ben Stiller's acting as he is being forced to perform for his captors is so clever, it makes one realize what is missing from much of the rest of the film. Still, with this many great actors all doing excellent work, one cannot say one didn't get one's $9 worth ($11.00 in New York City).

And while Alan Smithee thought Robert Downey Jr.'s performance as an African American platoon leader was inspired, the things he said were often not that funny.